Find Yourself
by Maxi-Luca
Summary: Flashbacks and secrets. One-shot.


**Disclaimer:**** I do not own Chicago Fire or any affiliated characters, they belong to NBC.**

**Author's Note: There may be mistakes, this is only proof read by myself and I tend to over look my own mistakes. Guys, I've been hit with the feels of the ship Shafferty. I make no apologies other than the crappiness of this fic. I haven't written anything in a year and my talent suffered. The ending is rushed and the characters are likely OOC, so I'm sorry. Also, this was mostly a prompt from tumblr user sassy-lesbian (who I think is here on too). Anyways, enjoy and again, sorry!**

Find Yourself

It had been nearly six months since Allison Rafferty went back to Firehouse 51 after her three month suspension. In those three months, she spent time in groups, talking to therapists, learning to accept and deal, and finally move on from her heart break. During those three months, she realized there was one person who kept occupying her thoughts. At first they were simple, innocent thoughts. Then slowly, they began to become curious thoughts. During her first few months back at work, after Gabriella Dawson had returned to the fire academy, she stuck to Leslie Shay. She began to text her off the clock and soon after they began to hang out at Molly's. While Shay bartended, Rafferty would sit at the bar, drink a beer or three, making snide remarks at Shay with a smile. Eventually, Rafferty would join Severide or Dawson and Casey or others from the firehouse while still giving Shay a generous amount of attention.

After nearly five months since Rafferty returned to the firehouse, she admitted to herself she developed feelings for Shay. The day she admitted it was an interesting day...

_The day was long and hard. Each call was more difficult than the last and by the end of the day, both Rafferty and Shay were running on fumes. _

_They pulled into the firehouse, effectively ending their work day. Shay turned off the engine and wordlessly exited the ambulance and walked around the back. Rafferty joined her not a moment later and they both silently began their inventory count inside the ambulance._

_It was only after a few minutes before Shay accidentally cut herself with a scalpel. "Ow, dammit!" she shouted then clenched her jaw._

_"Whoa, let me see," Rafferty said, reaching for Shay's hand, being in complete medical mode. "Okay, it's not deep but here," she paused and reached for gauze and peroxide, "Let me clean it up and wrap it."_

_Shay shook her head, "No, Rafferty, it's okay. It was my clumsy ass who did it, I'll take care of it," she said as she tried to pull her hand away, but Rafferty wouldn't let go._

_"Shay, don't be silly."_

_"Rafferty, I'm a paramedic-"_

_"And what am I? Chop liver?"_

_"Uh, exhausted?!" Shay sarcastically offered with her eyes wide._

_Rafferty wasn't fazed and stared back at Shay, "Paramedic in Charge, now shut up and let me work."_

_It didn't take long for Rafferty to clean and wrap the wound. It was a shallow cut and would likely not leave a scar. During the ordeal, Rafferty was gentle, yet firm holding Shay's hand. The entire time, Shay had difficulty looking at Rafferty. For a long while Shay had been feeling uneasy around her partner. It had nothing to do with Rafferty and everything to do with Shay. She couldn't help it. The drowning feeling she had been having finally reached a high tide and Shay admitted to herself that she had fallen for Allison Rafferty. Something Shay swore to herself she wouldn't do, but she had done it and now she was in for it._

_"There," Rafferty said with a smile, admiring her work, "Good as new." She looked up and frowned upon seeing Shay's melancholy expression, "What's wrong? It didn't hurt that bad, did it?" Shay said nothing but shake her head. "Hey," Rafferty said gently, "What is it?"_

_"Nothing," Shay responded quickly, "Don't worry about it." Shay didn't move, didn't move her hand away from Rafferty. She was still as death._

_"I am going to worry about it."_

_Shay looked up at Rafferty, her eyes glazed and about to sting. It hurt to look into Rafferty's light brown eyes and see into her bruised soul that mirrored her own so much. They both looked intently at each other, some magnetic force pulling them together. It was at random they were partnered, luck that they never killed each other, but right here, right now, each one telling the other wordlessly through their all telling eyes, their windows to their souls, exactly what the other wanted to hear._

_Neither knows who exactly leaned forward- it was likely a mutual leaning- but when their lips touched, there was a small spark that flowed through each woman, igniting a small flame within her. _

_Rafferty never let go of Shay's hand._

_"You'll probably need to change the gauze later tonight," Rafferty breathed, her eyes closed, her face near centimeters from Shay's._

_"Yeah," Shay said, not really paying attention before she leaned in again, stealing another kiss._

_Just as Rafferty brought her hand to Shay's face, they heard some of the men from squad chatting away and taking their seats at their usual table nearby. Shay and Rafferty parted and finished their inventory count with haste._

_SSS_

_They finished and went into the locker room without a word between them. Shay awkwardly began to change, fiddling with the clothing in her locker, unable to grip anything properly. Her stomach continued to do flip flops as she attempted to calm herself. When she finally gathered herself enough, she said, "So, what happened in the ambo," she paused when Rafferty turned to look at her. Shay lost her voice and stared back at Rafferty with wide eyes._

_"What?" Rafferty asked._

_"Uh, was that a spur of the moment thing, or...?" Shay couldn't finish her thought._

_Rafferty closed her eyes, smiled and let out a small, airy laugh then looked back up at Shay, taking a step forward and taking Shay's face in her hands before leaning in and kissing her. When she pulled back, she kept her hands on Shay's face. "Definitely not a spur of the moment thing." She let go and returned her attention to her locker._

_"Okay, but," Shay paused, she was completely dumbfounded and was having trouble getting her thoughts in order, "I thought you hated gays?"_

_"I don't hate gays," Rafferty said, turning to face Shay again, "I never did."_

_"Then what was with all the homophobia?"_

_"What? Nothing about my eye shadow?" Rafferty retorted. Shay gave her a hard stare and raised an eyebrow prompting Rafferty to continue, "That was my way of pushing you away." A serious and somber tone over took Rafferty's voice, "Look, I'm bisexual, okay? I've had relationships with other women, not many, but I had a few." She pauses and sits on the bench, her back to Shay. "When I fell in love with my fiancée, I love all interest in everyone. Men and women. All I saw was him. After he died, I closed myself off, disconnected with everyone. Back at my old firehouse, I told the guys to leave me alone and they did, even if it was because they thought I was a bitch but my partner didn't. She made so many suggestive comments and when I came here, I took it out on you and it wasn't fair and I'm sorry for that." Rafferty looked up at Shay with glazed eyes, "I'm so sorry, Leslie."_

_Shay sat awkwardly and wrapped her hands around Rafferty in a tight embrace and gently rubbed her back. "It's okay," she whispered, "It's okay."_

Since then, Rafferty and Shay had been in a secret relationship. Mostly because neither wanted things to be public just yet, especially since Rafferty was the Paramedic in Charge which could possibly cause a problem for the chain of command. Neither woman minded, it kept them on their feet. However, having to see Dawson and Casey be public made it a little hard sometimes and made them both think if one of them being assigned to a different fire house would be so bad.

But they worked so well together. So they kept going on in this secrecy.

It took nearly a month since they got together before they became intimate. For Rafferty, it had been over a year and after their first time together, something released within Rafferty. At first, they got together after nearly every shift and Shay did not protest. Then one day, Rafferty decided to be adventurous and pulled Shay to the showers where they had to be quick and quiet.

When they finished, they quickly washed up and headed out to the common room and sat across the room from each other. Shay sat with Dawson as Rafferty sat at a table and picked up a magazine.

After a few minutes, Cruz, while munching on a sandwich, turned to look at Rafferty. "Hey," he whispered, "There's something on your neck."

"What?" Rafferty asked, looking up from her magazine and put a hand to her neck, rubbing and checking her hand.

"No, it's still there." Cruz leaned closer, "It-It looks like a bruise actually," he paused and his eyes widened, "I mean, uh, never mind. Sorry!" He quickly turned away and took a tense bite out of his sandwich.

"Oh my, oh my!" Herrmann said, "Rafferty, got herself a little secret lover?"

Rafferty's face blushed and she placed a hand over her neck, "Guys," she said, a nervous smile on her face, "It's not a big deal."

"Oh, but it is!" said Otis, "You've got yourself a secret lover who was not very careful." Herrmann laughed.

Across the room, Shay looked at Rafferty, very anxious and now unable to sit still. She was hit on the arm by Dawson. "Hey!" Shay exclaimed.

"What's up with you?"

Shay shakes her head quickly, "Nothing! I just feel bad because she's getting all this crap from them."

Dawson let out a small laugh, "Why do you feel bad?" She looked at Shay, who said nothing but simply looked back at her with a strange look in her eyes. It dawned on Dawson; Shay would jump at any chance to tease a fellow partner, man or woman, and here she was not saying a word and even feeling sympathetic about the teasing. That could only mean one thing, "Oh my god, Shay, you're the one who put that on her neck!" she harshly whispered.

"What?! You're crazy!" Shay denied, averting eye contact.

"Ohhh," Dawson giggled, "You are so sleeping with her. You wouldn't feel so bad if you weren't!"

"Dude, Rafferty isn't even gay." It was true, Shay reasoned to herself.

"Oh yeah?" Dawson retorted, "Tell that to her neck."

Shay's mouth hung open, but nothing came out. What could she say? "I'm not talking about this," was all that came to her lips. She gave a hard look to Dawson conveying her plea to keep their secret.

Dawson smiled and said, "When you're ready."

With a nod, Shay turned to the group and rose from her seat, "Okay guys!" she shouted, walking towards them, "Sorry to crash the party but I need Rafferty here to help me with some inventory check."

The guys mumbled and settled while Rafferty rose to her feet and walked with Shay to the ambulance rig. Shay opened the back and both hopped in. They sat opposite of each other and said nothing for a moment. It seemed like a lifetime before Rafferty let out an embarrassed laugh.

"Oh man," Rafferty said, still trying to contain her giggles.

"I'm so sorry, Allison."

Rafferty looked up, still smiling and put her hand on Shay's face before leaning in and kissing her. "Don't be," she said, "I don't regret anything," she paused, "And, it was fun. Being teased like that. I haven't felt those butterflies in a very long time."

Shay held back her laugh. "Did you just say, butterflies?"

"Yeah, I actually did."

They both shared another laugh before another kiss. They agreed there'd be no more risqué adventures at the firehouse, however, they'd have an encore of their adventure later that night.

END SCENE

**Author's Note: The ending is rushed. Sorry. But... This freaking ship, man. They reeled me in BIG TIME. Yeah, totally my head canon that Rafferty is bisexual because why not? She never denied anything when Shay teased her "Are you coming out to me, Rafferty?"**


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